A Homunculus Holiday
by Deathslash
Summary: In 1800, the homunculi are tired, bored and failing regularly. Their Father is sick of seeing them mucking up his plans, so he decides the send them away for a while, to learn a little about humans. But might they learn more than he bargained for?


**OK, this is my first FMA fanfic. It will be told entirely from the perspective of the homunculi and is set in 1800, just so you know. This epilogue is just setting the scene, really, but enjoy anyway!**

_Lust_

As darkness fell over Central City, I noticed that the area of town into which I was heading was not what many would have considered reputable. Several men (and women) were already staggering about in the street, no doubt completely inebriated. My disgust for humanity registered pretty highly at this point; didn't they care that they were making utter fools of themselves?

Then again, I cursed myself. I had arranged to meet Quincy Armstrong II, the noted alchemist, at seven o'clock, at what I had presumed to be an upper-class restaurant, given his family's enormous wealth: was "The Red Fox" really an appropriate name for what, as it came into view, was nothing more than a _brothel_?

It was a dingy little building, lit only by a few candles at the windows. There was, however, quite a lot of noise coming from inside. I approached the entrance to this human pigsty as casually as I could, but I was annoyed to see that there were a number of people hanging around outside on the steps swilling wine, mostly men. As I got closer, I wasn't surprised to notice that they were all middle aged, and leering at _me. _Resisting the urge to vomit, I smiled politely at them, but pushed past to open the great wooden door and enter the building, when I felt something grab my arm and pull me back, startling me.

Now, I'm absolutely stunning- no, I'm not being arrogant when I say that, I just am. It's how my Father created me to be. You see, this has nothing to do with me. Of course, it's usually a gift which allows me to wrap any man around my little finger. Here though, as I spun round to find an obese drunkard of about forty years old drooling down his chin and was forced to feel his foul breath on my face, I remembered that beauty can well be a curse.

"Alright, love?" he slurred, smirking stupidly, "Fancy a…a…" he paused to think and ended up stumbling over, and I ended up with half a mug of mead all over my outfit (incidentally, I was wearing a rather grand, fashionable creation I'd taken off a prostitute a few days ago, wearing it over my usual dress. The fact that I literally couldn't take off my regular "clothing" was also a mixed blessing. I also had a large pendant tied around my neck to cover up my Ouroboros.).

I resisted the urge to vomit and spear him through the head in equal measure as I managed to pull my arm away and lifted my leg to kick him in the stomach, causing him to fall down on his back moaning. He seemed unable to get up, rolling around like the insect he was. "Uhh…you whore…" he groaned, as the spectators looked at me with a mixture of fear, shock and admiration in their eyes.

I liked that look; it was the look of respect. If there's one thing worse than human men, it's human women. Self-respect? None of them seemed to have it, letting men walk all over them. It's a pity I have no sisters, but I suppose Envy comes close enough. I smiled down at the man I had kicked, his face red with fury and embarrassment. "I'm sorry," I said sarcastically, "but I have business to attend to."

Feeling slightly irritated, I walked into the bar, which was really much larger than it appeared on the outside. Thankfully, not too many people paid attention to me as a scoured the room, looking for any sign of Armstrong. He shouldn't be hard to see; he was a tiny little man, with the kind of blond hair you usually saw on small children. Much to my dismay, I _did _see a man with whom I was acquainted, but it certainly wasn't Quincy Armstrong II.

Sitting at a table towards the back of the establishment, a dark-haired man was laying out cards at a circular table. He was, unsurprisingly, joined by a number of seedy-looking people, who were making the air go smoky with their tobacco. There were also a couple of loose women dressed in feathery outfits flitting around the dealer, emitting high-pitched laughter- as did the male gamblers) as the handsome dealer told a joke.

"Greed…" I snarled under my breath. What was he doing here? If he so much as talked to me while I was sweetening up Armstrong, he could completely blow my cover. Besides, he and Sloth were supposed to be guarding the new influx of prisoners due to be killed tonight- they couldn't afford to let them all escape, nor to allow the scientists to die. Alchemists of that skill level were not exactly what you could call ten a penny.

One of them, though, had entered the bar and was walking over to my table. I'd sat so that Greed couldn't notice me as I waved over and greeted Armstrong, his face brightening as he noticed me.

"Solaris," he bent to kiss my hand, "It's so nice to see you again. Would you like a drink?" He motioned to the bar, as though I wasn't aware that they sold alcohol here.

"Yes, thank you darling," I said, with the usual patter, "How about you get us a bottle of red wine, hmm? I'm rather partial to that."

He nodded obligingly, and went signalled for a barmaid to come and take our order. Armstrong sat down opposite me, the wooden chair creaking under his weight. He looked directly into my eyes, his own blue ones twinkling like sapphires. "A bottle of your finest _vin rouge, _please," he said to the curvy redhead who appeared at the table, before addressing me, "Now then, my dear, what was it you wished to see me about?"

I wasn't entirely sure how to answer that. I'd met the man only twice before, and we had of course discussed alchemy and, more importantly, its value to the economy. Here was the snag, though; my charm offensive would only go so far. I could convince him that I was merely the repressed wife of a local butcher for so long. Oh, I could harp on about how much I'd read about the subject of alchemy before he started asking me to _perform _it. Alas, that would never happen. How much easier it would be if we homunculi could do alchemy! All our problems and dealings with humans would cease.

"Well…" I replied, deciding that it was just about time to breach that all-important subject, "I was thinking; have you heard of the Philosopher's Stone?"

* * *

_Greed_

"Looks like I win again!" I slammed my cards down on the table, "Four kings and two, three, four of spades!" I grinned from ear to ear as each of my fellow players placed their own cards face up, looks of disgust on their faces. One of them (Marton, I believe his surname was) tossed a couple of coins in my direction and took a drag of his cigar.

"Fine," he snarled, "but you know, I'm not going to play again. I think I'm being conned." He looked at me accusingly, standing up as he did so to blow smoke in my face. One of the ladies giving me a shoulder massage quickly interjected on my behalf:

"Oh, don't be such a sour little man now, Marton. The man beat you fair and square and you know it." She stared him down and he grinned menacingly. I have to admit, I'm not the kind of person who gets intimidated easily, but Marton was a very large, broad man and he was pissed. In the sense that he was drunk _and _very annoyed. If I'd been human I might have been scared, but as it was, I was more afraid of being forced to show my shield or simply my healing abilities, and then I'd never be able to return to this nice little bar again.

Luckily, Marton decided not to make a big deal of the fact that I was "conning" him (actually, I had been a little bit; we'd all been playing on the principle that we'd all had the same amount to drink – there were five of us, and at least twenty empty mugs that had not been cleared away- but I don't feel alcohol; I'm a homunculus after all. Ha- bloody- ha.) and decided to move away with his cronies, each of them making various grunting noises as they got up and left, leaving me to pick up the cards.

"Could you?" I asked Cecelia, one of the women who worked here, who was toying with my hair. I gave her a dazzling smile and a wink and of course she agreed, tidying up the cards while I stretched out with my feet on the table.

As I reclined, my stomach did a little jolt as I looked across the room, now being able to see the other end of the bar clearly with everyone else at the table gone. There was a beautiful woman sitting at a table in deep conversation with a little fat man. Even though I couldn't see her face, there was no mistaking that it was Lust.

Oh, shit. I could tell that she was here on business- the man she was with was presumably an alchemist or someone with connections to one- but if she caught me here then there was no way I could lie my way out of it. Dismissing the women attending to me, I decided that I'd just have to sneak past her while she was talking. However, the moment I stood up, she suddenly turned around and looked me straight in the eye, a look of annoyance on her face. I swear, she has a sixth sense of sorts. I grinned awkwardly at her, but she of course went right on talking to her gentleman friend, and didn't take any action as I slipped quietly out between the tables and out of the building.

The moment I was out, I scowled in disappointment. Now that Lust knew about this, it would only be a matter of time before Father found out, and then he'd no doubt get the others to keep a closer watch on me. I didn't see why we weren't allowed to enjoy ourselves once in a while; I perform my role perfectly for the most part, and let me just say, getting humans into conflict and convincing them to perform alchemy to suit our purposes is not always easy.

I decided that now would be a good time to check on Sloth, who I'd left to supervise the criminals being transported to our prison. I didn't see why I had to be there; it was really a one-man job…even if said man has the intellectual capacity of an animal. The safehouse was on the other side of town, but before I could even cross the road, I heard a familiar voice from behind me.

"What's going on, Greed?"

I turned to see Lust walking towards me, looking rather angry. She'd apparently just exited the bar herself, having made some excuse to her companion.

"Hey Lust," I greeted her, all casual, "what are you doing-?"

"What are _you _doing?" she hissed, before sighing impatiently, "No, don't bother telling me, let me deduce it." She and I began walking side by side down the pavement, moving quickly until we entered the park, a shortcut to where I was heading. She continued, "You left Sloth to do the work and you decided you'd just slack off and take money of those saps in there. Am I right?" She didn't bother waiting for an answer, but ran her fingers through her long black hair and went on. "Look Greed, I really couldn't care less what you do when there isn't work to be done, even if it is hanging out in some sleazy bar," she turned back to the area we had just left in disgust.

"It's a lovely evening, don't you think?" I asked facetiously, looking up at the moon and stars. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and no light whatsoever in this area, so they could all be seen clearly. Lust smirked, realising she was fighting a losing battle. Greed was just in my nature, and she knew that. There was nothing that would stop me making as much money by gambling as I possibly could. If all went well tonight, then Lust may well not bother telling Father about my indiscretion, so I thought I should at least take an interest.

"How did you get on tonight?" I asked her, "Do you think that that guy can make the Philosopher's Stone for us?"

Lust suddenly stopped walking, and stretched out her talons. With one swift slash, the elaborate dress she wore fell to shreds, and she was left looking as she usually did, but she kept the pendant around her neck. "Does that answer your question?" she asked.

"So I take it you won't be meeting him again. That's a shame, but I suppose we have plenty of time. Why? What was wrong with him?" The town hall where we all sometimes met up was coming into view, and I could see people hanging around outside it. Perhaps they were having a late meeting.

"Well, there were a number of reasons why he wasn't suitable," replied Lust. "Firstly, would you believe that he's divorcing his wife?" She rolled her eyes, as though she couldn't believe her bad luck.

"Really?" I was surprised; hardly anyone got divorced. "But…why does that mean anything?" I felt as though I should already know the answer to this, confirmed when Lust raised her elegant brows condescendingly.

"He has no children," she explained, "You know how it is with alchemy. People who know it tend to pass it on to their children, which is particularly useful when they have a high social status. We could have used his descendants as sacrifices. Anyway, it's not just the divorce; he's impotent." She and I both had a little sneer at this, even though it really wasn't a good thing for anyone concerned.

"Oh, dear." I tutted, "And here I was thinking that he was planning to make 'Solaris' the new Mrs. Armstrong." I looked at Lust, grinning as a I imagined her being proposed to, and subsequently becoming a mother to a bunch of human children. It was quite amusing.

"In any case, we couldn't use him. He didn't much like the idea of the Philosopher's Stone," said Lust, "Oh, I didn't mention anything about the souls that go into making it, but power and wealth…he already has that, so he has no interest. Long story short, he's too happy."

"So, we'll kill his family or hold them hostage," I suggested, "I know how proud the Armstrongs are. Very tight-knit. Can't we somehow force him into making the Stone for us?"

Lust shook her head. "It's not worth the risk. You know how dangerous it could be; when it comes to alchemy like that…be it opening the gate or making the Stone, the alchemist has to do so of their own free will or else-" She was cut off, and she appeared to be squinting between the trees, at something massive and lumbering in the distance. "Is that…_Sloth_?"

* * *

_Sloth_

Not my fault. I fell asleep, and Greed told me it wouldn't matter, because the officials would do what he said. Or something. The prisoners…I just woke up and they weren't there. Someone must have let them out, unless I did it by accident. I don't remember things too good.

"Greed…Lust…" I remembered this place, though. The woods outside the town hall. We always come here, so it's not that hard for me to find anymore, even by myself. I saw my older siblings clearly, but I was trying to think of an excuse as to why they all got away. I went up to them, and they asked me what I was doing.

"Uhh…the prisoners got away…I fell asleep…I didn't mean to…it was just such hard work." I sat down on the cold, hard ground, happy of a chance to rest. I'd been on my feet for at least ten minutes trying to find this place. I'd even come by the long way, to try to avoid a few humans. Lust and Greed were frowning at me, and when they did that, it would be quite hard to tell which was which, I thought, if one didn't have long hair and boobs. I giggled slightly as I thought of that.

"Shut up, you utter imbecile!" Lust snarled, incensed. I knew this was important, because Lust didn't shout often. "What are we going to do now? There were at twenty prisoners you had to take care of- _both _of you," she looked at Greed. "Twenty of them, gone down the drain." She was furious, "When Father finds out-"

"Father doesn't need to find out," Greed said, which was good, because I started to worry a little bit, "We can easily round them all up again. You know how they are- they'll all stick together. It's not over yet. We'll find Gluttony and he'll smell them out for us."

I was pretty happy about this…but, how annoying; I might end up having to use my speed and strength to catch them. That was a bit of a drag, but it was better than having to tell Father that we failed.

Lust smiled, "Good idea, Greed- for once- I suppose I'll have to go and search for Gluttony now. He's a bit new to all this, but-"

"_But what, Lust?"_

I'd heard this voice many times before, telling me what to do when I was working. It was cold and weird, and I didn't like it. Lust and Greed both froze and they looked around, like I did. We couldn't see anyone, but we knew that Pride was watching us. The voice was quite far away, actually, because there wasn't much light for Pride's shadow around here. I was still quite scared, though. _"This is a most disappointing development, the three of you. Father is most displeased." _Pride sounded happy that we had failed more than angry, I thought.

"Well," said Lust, "I don't see what I've done wrong-"

"I'll go to Father and talk to him about it myself, thank you," Greed said coldly, "This is my mistake. I put Sloth in charge-"

"Sorry, Pride…" I mumbled.

"_You will all report to Father immediately. I won't be there- I've got to go to bed- but I can assure you, Father knows about all this…he's very eager to speak with you. Oh, and Lust…your associate is watching you from the bushes. Please take care of him."_

It was funny, because it was hard to tell when Pride was there, but when he was gone, even I could see that it became a less…dark. I wondered what Pride meant about someone watching, before a little fat man came tumbling out of the trees, surprising me a little.

"Solaris!" he shrieked, "What's going on? I don't understand, I…" he stammered, and even though it was dark and I couldn't see him well, I could tell he was scared. "I…don't come near me!" He turned to run.

"Wait a minute, Quincy dear," Lust said sharply, "how did you find me here?" She looked quite impressed. "I thought I told you I was returning to the butcher's."

"I suppose he's been following you, Lust," Greed grinned, "This doesn't sound like the actions of a gentleman to me."

The man stuttered, "Your…your dress…I found it- and I wanted to know more about the Stone-"

Lust cut in and sniggered, "Too late for that now, I'm afraid! How careless of me to leave that pretty dress lying around. I hadn't quite noticed how dark it was around here. Without Gluttony to sniff you out, quite a lot of vermin could have been close and I'd never have noticed."  
"Gluttony? The nervous voice returned, "I don't under-uh!"

Lust had quickly stabbed one of her spears into the man's head, and he fell to the ground. I didn't know what was going on, and I wasn't bothered, but I felt a bit jealous of him...he didn't have to face Father in a few minutes…just a nice long rest…

"Who was that, Lust?" I asked.

"Nobody important," she replied, withdrawing her spears, "At least, I thought not. It looks like he was interested in making the Philosopher's Stone after all. Oh well." Then she looked quite…frightened, and I hadn't seen her like this before. "Well, boys," she said, "Let's go."

I felt upset. Father wasn't going to punish me was he? I'd rather be dead than have to do any more work…


End file.
